Drumroll please...

I know, a new blog after what, a year? I hadn't given up on the blog, just never had the will to write things down. And I told myself that by starting a blog, I wouldn't use it to complain or anything else that might give people the wrong impression. I don't want people feeling sorry for me, because I have nothing worth pitying. So, with that said, the following post is a combination of self-realizations that I have made since my last post. Most of them are a result of building frustration, stress, and outright anger that was tucked away. I prefer to keep it that way, so I am going to do my best to keep this post on a positive note, to clue people in on what exactly is going on in my life. Besides, its a good way to document what's in my mind, and when I'm feeling down or find myself lacking confidence, I can always come back and remember where I started, and where I find myself today.

I can't believe how many things have changed over just the last year. I'm going to be a Junior...a JUNIOR! Can you believe it? Only 7 more classes until I have achieved the first of 2 majors. I can't believe I doubted myself these first 2 years--thinking that transferring would set me back and I wouldn't graduate until 5 years. Now I'm in a position to graduate early! But I won't. As tired as I find myself throughout the school year, I want to get the most out of it. People ask me why I am getting 2 majors, because they are both SO close, that they are typically rolled into one. Nursing and Biology COULD be one major, that's true. But, why should I sell myself short? I can get an amazing Biology degree from Hamline, and then turn around and have a highly-accredited Nursing degree from St. Kate's. Please, somebody tell me why I would pass that up?

Yeah, I'm tired. Most college kids are, but at least I can say that mine are for good reasons. I'm not out partying, I'm up late doing homework, and then up 4 hours later for morning hockey practice. I'm SO sick of people telling me that it's time to make a choice between hockey and school. I understand that once I graduate, it's done--there is no more competitive hockey. I get that, which is exactly WHY I want to continue on and play the last 2 years I have available to be. Not many people get the opportunity to be where I am, doing the things I'm doing. My best friend tells me every day that she would kill for the opportunities I have, and I'm so grateful that there are people to remind me and encourage me to do my best. I watch my Mom pick up extra shifts just to put me through school, and then she turns around and watches my nephew until midnight so that his mom can get through school too. Talk about being tired...and easily the least selfish person I've gotten to witness through the years. But some people bitch about being tired when they do nothing but sit home all day. Rough life...

But then there are the people who encourage me to take shortcuts. "Just get a Nursing degree, not Biology too." Oh, and then there's, "I think you should quit hockey and pick up a job instead." Yeah, I could do that, but you'd see a much crankier me. Why should I sacrifice what makes me happy when I've only got 2 years left to enjoy it to it's fullest potential? So, to spite those of you who have been encouraging shortcuts, I've found myself a job this year too. Please, save your breath. Don't tell me about how tired I'll be, or how I'm asking for trouble. Also, please don't tell me about how courageous it is. It's really not--there are people I sit next to in class who have kids--KIDS! They work full time, go to school full time, and raise their children at night. Did I mention they're no older than I am? They don't complain about how tired they are, but rather when we converse, they use those opportunities to share stories about their children. They give me tips about how to manage stress, and how not to sacrifice anything or sell yourself short. Trust me, I welcome their anecdotes and bits of wisdom. Nobody knows better than them how to manage school, a job, and a home life.

Which leads me to my next point--I've decided to stop whining altogether. I'm not going to whine about being tired all year long, because college isn't supposed to be a joy ride. If you're tired, you're probably doing it right. If you've got time to go out and party, you have some soul searching to do, honestly. I get so sick of signing onto Facebook and seeing pictures of people drinking, and then the next day they don't show to class. How do you justify paying so many thousands of dollars each year for an education that you aren't showing up for? My parents work their asses off to support me so I can go to Hamline, because they understand the importance of having an accredited degree for the field I'm going into. I think the guilt would eat me alive if I didn't give it my all. Some people are just shameless, judging by their pictures and statuses on Facebook.

Speaking of Facebook, if you need to get a hold of me, e-mail me or call me. Stop posting stupid things on my wall telling me to call you, because I won't. And even if I wanted to, I saw your post 3 days late anyways! I like Facebook, it's addicting and it's a great way to network, but I'm so sick of logging on and seeing people's whiny statuses (stati?) and sarcastic comments to eachother. It's become nothing but a way for people to cry out for attention--it's sick. I just can't believe the things people find to whine about. You hate your job? Well, be glad you have one, because I got laid off this summer, and would love to be in your position. You're tired? Oh, well stop staying up late on Facebook or watching TV, and go to bed at a normal time. You're having financial issues? Stop eating out, stop buying lattes every goddamn day, or perhaps stop being so egotistical and invest in something other than brand names. Honestly--how can people be this brazen?

I've decided it's time to make some changes in my life. The first of which is it's time to be a bit more independent. I'm living off campus this year, and moving to Woodbury to live with Brandon. It's time to see what it's like to have to manage a budget. Time to test my ability to stay focused on the ultimate goal, my schooling, and not let people distract me. Because I lost my job this year, I'll be relying on Mom and Dad, except for my small income from my part-time job. Not only that, but it's time to stop having a relationship of 4 years with one foot in, and one foot out. Living together is going to be a test of our relationship, and I fully expect to find what I'm looking for in the end of it all--an answer. An answer to if holding on for 4 years and begging my family to support me was worth it, or if it's time to move on, learn from it, and try again. I've learned that people change, and not only have I witnessed it first hand, I've been a part of the transformation. I'd like to point out that you don't throw that much work away--you don't walk away from that. Until you make an effort to get to know the true me and the newly improved him, please do not pass judgement any longer. Or atleast, don't do it to me. Keep it to yourself, because I don't want to hear it anymore. I'm not biting my tongue any longer, and you probably will not like what I have to say. Mom and Dad have seen the change, and their approval is the approval I seek, not those of the outsiders looking in. Not to be cliche, but don't throw stones at a glass house. Most of you who sit and pass judgement have marrital issues of your own. What, or who entitles you to judge my relationship?

Hmm, what's next? Ahh yes...

It's time to cut some drama out of my life. That means keeping the friend (and perhaps family) tree short. I'm going to keep people around who are supportive and positive. I don't like the feeling of walking around on eggshells, so I've decided I'm not going to anymore. If you have nothing better to talk to me about than the latest gossip, don't bother talking to me at all. I'm not going to be that person anymore. What a waste of time and energy. I'd rather take that hour lunch date and spend it doing something productive, or spend it with people who appreciate me more than using me as their grape vine. I'm only sorry that I didn't realize this sooner. I feel used, and it sickens me to know that I was so ignorant! However, that's what happens when you trust some people, and I know that now. Another lesson learned, and yet I managed to turn it into a positive thing. I hope some of you are taking notes.

Perhaps the biggest decision I've made, although a few years in the making, is whether or not I am going to affiliate myself with a religious identity. I've decided I'm not going to, becasue it's not something you just study up on and decide it's "for you". My Mom found God by seeing his many miracles working through her patients over the years. I have a feeling that's how it's going to be for me. Until then, I am not going to pretend to be some honorable Christian, because it would be a boldfaced lie. I just don't think that a book is fit to tell me how to run my life, and I'm sure that statement probably angers a few people. But like I said, not walking around on eggshells anymore, and not lying to keep people at bay. Plus, I personally know way too many people who just use God as their excuse. "Well, God told me to do it." or "It's okay, because God will forgive me." I do NOT want to be so foolish!! This doesn't mean I've decided to not believe in God. I certainly do believe there is someone or something out there, larger than we are. It's the same way I am about most everything in life--I'll believe it when I see it.

Although I'm sure somebody will find a way to be offended by this blog, I make no apologies for it's content. That's the beauty of the internet--you, as the reader, can choose what you digest. I only hope that this post gave people a moment to reflect on themselves and ask if maybe there are things they could do differently, not for me, but for yourselves and those around you. Surely I cannot be the only person sick of enduring drama 24/7. With that, I am going to go get ready for softball. Even though I probably can't play because of my knee, doesn't mean I can't enjoy the weather, right?