Last night I decided that after missing 3 days of work last week after surgery, I had better go into work early today to make up for some lost time. I would not have even bothered setting the alarm for 5:30 am had I known what was to come.
5:30 am: Awaken to "Shake It" ring tone by Metro Station.
5:31 am: Realize I am so tired I can't think straight enough to get to the bathroom.
5:32 am: Reset alarm for 6:00.
6:00 am: Awaken to "Shake It" again. Sing a little in my head.
6:01 am: Pee, then get dressed.
6:05 am: Sit on bed to put socks on. Fall asleep immediately.
6:52 am: Wake up still sitting up.
7:03 am: Venture into the world, looking quite disheveled.
By 7:15 I was on I-94, cruisin' along with the best of them. Then, BAM! Everybody goes from 75 mph to 0 mph. By 7:30 I was being tailgated on 494 by a teal Honda Civic from about 100 BC who, despite the line of probably 30 cars in front of me, felt he could offer his assistance by RIDING MY BUTT.
Then, as swiftly as the tides, it happened. All at once the ground shifted as all cars again halted to a standstill in about .5 nanoseconds. I watched the rickety old Civic get about 2 inches from my bumper. I would have pulled over to ensure he didn't hit me, really. I'm not that dumb. However, as fate would have it on my already pleasant morning, I was on the Wakota Bridge, where there's no shoulders on the left lane. Perfect.
We repeated the stop and slam on the brakes gig for another 15 minutes. This is my 3rd summer enduring this traffic, it's not new to me. I have acquired much wisdom in my 3 summers about driving in rush hour on 494. For instance, do not even DREAM of applying make up while driving. Also, do not keep your windows down. No matter how hot it is, do not roll them down while crossing the River, unless you happen to admire Eau de Mississippi.
I learned a new rule today. If you cannot see around the truck in front of you, and you have a sneaky suspicion they are about to slam on their brakes..........they are.
Do not, in this moment, think that you can take a "quick sip" of your steaming coffee. You can't.
After making sure Mr. Civic wasn't going to rear-end me, I set down my cup of coffee, and immediately thought, "Shit. That's gonna look just like I got the Herp on my upper lip."
I decided I wouldn't look in the mirror until I got to work. I parked, I attached my badge to my shirt, I cracked the windows, cleaned the windshield, straightened my CD case......I did everything I could before bringing myself to look in the mirror.
There it was, plain as day.
And here I sit, with my upper lip in my mouth, like a bulldog with their under bite. Plain as day.
From now on, I will sit on the ice cold concrete to put socks on, just to ensure this scenario does not repeat itself.
